RangerDJ`s Joke Page
A large dog walks into a butcher shop, carrying a purse in its mouth. He puts the purse down and sits in front of the meat case.
"What is it, boy?" the butcher jokingly asks. "Want to buy
some meat?" "Woof!" barks the dog. "Hmm," says the butcher. "What kind? Liver, bacon,
steak..." "Woof!" interrupts the dog. "And how much steak? Half a pound, one pound..."
"Woof!" signals the dog.
My first job was I was very young was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned...couldn`t concentrate. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn`t hack it, so they gave me the axe. After that, I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn`t suited for it. Mainly because it was a so-so job. Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting. I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn`t cut it. Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just didn`t have the thyme. Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn`t cut the mustard. My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn`t noteworthy. I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn`t have any patients. Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I Just didn`t fit in. I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn`t live on my net income. I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining. I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn`t up to it. So then I got a job in a gymnasium (work-out-center), but they said I wasn`t fit for the job. Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking. After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it. My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind. (Net153 Sunday Funnies)
No Excuse Sunday
To make it possible for everyone to attend church next Sunday, we are going to have a special No Excuse Sunday. Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say, Sunday is my only day to sleep in. There will be a special section with lounge chairs for those who feel that our pews are too hard. Eye drops will be available for those with tired eyes from watching TV late Saturday night. We will have steel helmets for those who say, the roof would cave in if I ever came to church. Blankets will be furnished for those who think the church is too cold and fans for those who say it is too hot. Scorecards will be available for those who wish to list the hypocrites present. Relatives and friends will be in attendance for those who can go to church and cook dinner, too. We will distribute Stamp Out Stewardship buttons for those who feel that the church is always asking for money. One section will be devoted to trees and grass for those who like to seek God in nature. A scoreboard will be set up to keep track of the latest games. Doctors and nurses will be in attendance for those who plan to be sick on Sunday. The sanctuary will be decorated with both Christmas and Easter lilies for those who never have seen the church without them. We will provide hearing aids for those who can hear the preacher and cotton for those who think it`s too loud. See you Sunday! Submitted by Alison Branyon:
A young woman teacher with obvious liberal
tendencies explains to her class of small children that she is
an atheist. She asks her class if they are atheists too. Not really
knowing what atheism is but wanting to be like their teacher,
their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks. There
is, however, one exception. A beautiful girl named Lucy has not
gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided
to be different. "Because I`m not an atheist."
A fire started on some grasslands near a farm. The county fire department was called to put out the fire. The fire was more than the county fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called. Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made. The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight towards the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames and stopped! The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily-controlled parts.
Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department`s work and was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.
"That ought to be obvious, " he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. "The first thing we`re gonna do is get the brakes fixed on our fire truck!"
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping
trip. After a good foil dinner and a soda, they lay down for the
A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn`t know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the cashier.
There is a Wal-Mart "associate" standing there with dark glasses on. She says,"Excuse me sir, can you tell me anything aboutthis rod and reel? "He says, "Ma`am, I`m blind, but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it by the sound it makes."
She doesn`t believe him, but she drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That`s a 6 foot graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and a 10 pound test line. It`s a good all around rod and reel and it`s $20." She says,"That`s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound it makes. I think that`s what I`m looking for. I`ll take it." He walks behind the counter to the register and in the meantime the woman poots very loudly.
At first she`s embarrassed but realizes that there`s no way he can tell it was her; being blind he wouldn`t know she was the only person around.
He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50" She says, "But didn`t you just say it was $20? He says,"Yes ma`am, the rod and reel is $20, the duck call is $3 and the catfish stink bait is $2.50 submitted by Josh Spurlock
A DEAR MOM LETTER
Our Commander told us all to write to our parents
in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only one
of our tents and two sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none
of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking
for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chad`s mother and
tell her that he`s OK. He can`t write because of the cast. I got
to ride on one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We
never would have found him in the dark if it hadn`t been for the
lightning. Commander Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike
alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it
was during the fire so he probably didn`t hear him. Did you know
that if you put a gas can on a fire, the gas can will blow up?
Billy is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will
be home on Saturday if Commander Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn`t
his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left.
Commander Webb said that with a car that old you to have to expect
something to break down; that`s probably why he can`t get insurance
on it. We think it`s a neat car. He doesn`t care if we get it
dirty, and if it`s hot, sometimes he lets us ride in the tailgate.
It gets pretty hot with ten people in a car.
I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don`t worry about anything. We are fine.
P. S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus
A guy gets up really early in the morning to
go ice fishing. He goes out onto the ice with his tent, his pick
and his fishing rod, and starts to pick at the ice. Then he hears
a big booming voice: "THERE`S NO FISH UNDER THE ICE"
The guy looks around and then starts to pick at the ice again.
Then he hears the voice again: "THERE`S NO FISH UNDER THE
ICE" Now the guy is getting a little edgy. He looks up, "God,
is that you?" There is no answer, so he starts picking again.
"THERE`S NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!" Then the guy yells
"God! is that you?"
Two snakes were slithering through a field.
A Soldier, a Sailor, an Airman, and a Marine got into an argument about which service was "The Best." The arguing became so heated, that they eventually ended up killing each other. Soon thereafter, they found themselves at the Pearly Gates of Heaven. There they met St. Peter and decided that only he was the ultimate source of truth and honesty. They asked him, "St Peter, which branch of the American Armed Forces is the best?" St. Peter instantly replies, "I can`t answer that. But, I will ask God what he thinks the next time I see him."
Some time later the three saw St. Peter again. They reminded him of the question and asked if he was able to find the answer. Suddenly, a sparkling white dove landed on St. Peter`s shoulder. In the dove`s beak was a note with glistening gold dust. St. Peter said to the four men, "Your answer from the King of Kings... Let`s see what he says." St. Peter opened the note trumpets blared, gold dust drifted into the air, harps played crescendos and St. Peter began to read it aloud to the four young men:
TO: SOLDIERS, SEAMEN, MARINES, AND AIRMEN
SUBJECT: Which Military Service is the Best?
A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave
each kid in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come
up with the rest: Better Be Safe Than... Punch A 5th Grader; It`s Always Darkest Before... Daylight Savings Time; Strike While The... Bug Is Close; Never Under Estimate The Power Of... Termites; You Can Lead A Horse To Water But... How? Don`t Bite The Hand That... Looks Dirty; No News Is... Impossible. A Miss Is As Good As A... Mr. You Can`t Teach An Old Dog New... Math. If You Lie Down With The Dogs, You`ll... Stink In The Morning. Love All, Trust.. Me The Pen Is Mightier Than The... Pigs. An Idle Mind Is... The Best Way To Relax. Where There`s Smoke, There`s... Pollution. Happy The Bride Who... Gets All The Presents! A Penny Saved Is... Not Much. Two`s Company, Three`s... The Musketeers. Don`t Put Off Tomorrow What... You Put On To Go To Bed. Laugh And The Whole World Laughs With You, Cry And... You Have To Blow Your Nose. Children Should Be Seen And Not... Spanked Or Grounded. If At First You Don`t Succeed... Get New Batteries. You Get Out Of Something What You... See Pictured On The Box. When The Blind Leadeth The Blind... Get Out Of The Way.
Sam decided to go hunting one day so he took his good friend Joe. They went over to Sam`s Grandfathers house and told him to wait, while he got permission to hunt on his land. Sam went in and his grandfather told him that the Vet said his poor cow Betsy was going to die and had to be put down. He asked Sam if he would shoot Betsy for him he would bury her later. So Sam agreed and thought it would be funny to play a joke on Joe. So Sam stomped out of the house and told Joe, "What nerve, he won`t let us hunt. It makes me soooo mad." Then Sam pulled out his gun and shot Betsy right between the eyes. Chuckling to himself he got into the car and heard 2 more shots. Sam yelled, "What was that for?" Joe remarked, "He made you so made I shot 2 more of his cows for ya!" Submitted by Aaron Mirtsching Outpost 34, First Assembly of God, Morganton, NC
AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T...
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes This is AT&T... may I speak to Mr. Byron please?
Me: May I ask who is calling?
AT&T: This is AT&T.
Me: OK, hold on.
At this point I put the phone down for a solid
5 minutes thinking
When you are not interested in something, I
don`t think you can
AT&T: Mr. Line we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.
Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a
"rate" of 10 cents a
Me: Now, that`s 10 cents a minute 24 hours
So now AT&T has me on hold and my supper
is getting cold. I begin to
Supervisor: Mr. Line?
I had to swallow before I choked on my food.
It was all I could do
Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone
to get back to me so
I was on hold once again and was getting really
hungry. I needed to
AT&T: Hello Mr. Line, I understand that
you are interested in signing up for our plan?
This fellow buys a parrot and takes it home to only find that it`s vocabulary is rude--at best, and often obscene. So the fellow tries to reform his parrot. He shouts, begs and offers tidbits, to get the parrot to change his ways, but nothing works. Frustrated, he throws the parrot into the freezer. He can still hear insults and obscenities for a few minutes, but then there is suddenly silence. Worried that he has frozen the bird, he whips open the freezer and the parrot emerges alive but shaken and to his delight, a wholly-changed demeanor. The first thing the parrot says is, "On reflection, I feel my language has been improper. I intend a change and ask for your forgiveness." There is a slight pause, and the parrot adds, "May I ask exactly what the turkey did wrong?"
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to, after the worship service, ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. Here`sa copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you`ll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances." During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up." At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star-Spangled Banner." And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.
There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets to talking. The Aussie
shows off his big wheat field
There isa very dangerous virus going around
and it is propogated through the email system. If you get an email
message with the subject: "VIRUS ALERT!" do not open
the mail message. If you do, the virus scrambles the second half
of every text file on your system.
A police officer in a small town stopped a
motorist who was speeding down
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer.
"I`m going to let you cool your
"But, officer, I just wanted to say,"
"And I said to keep quiet! You`re going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief`s at his daughter`s wedding. He`ll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don`t count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I`m the groom."
Submitted by: Robert J Elkins via rangernet
A hobo comes up to the front door of a neat looking farmhouse and raps gently on the door. When the farm owner answers, the hobo asks him, "Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven`t had a good meal in several days." The owner says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I`ve never given anything away for nothing, so if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch in the back of the house, I will give you a good meal." So the hobo goes around back and a while later he again knocks on the door. The owner says, "Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down The cook will bring your meal right in." The hobo says, "Thank you very much, sir. But there`s something that I think you should know. It`s not a Porsche you got there. It`s a BMW". (Thanks to my sister-in-law Gina)
A preacher was very fond of golf. He played whenever he could. He was addicted. Easter Sunday rolls around, a capacity congregation is expected at the church but the weather is the best it`s been in months! A perfect day! Cloudless, warm yet still cool out, not a breeze stirring. He had to play golf! So he calls in sick to the church and has his associate pastor cover the service for him and extend his apologies to the congregation. Off he goes to a golf course way in the next county where no one will know him. An angel is sitting up in heaven watching all this with God and says, "This is terrible. I think he should be punished". God says, "I believe you`re right. Watch this." Back on earth the preacher tees up at the first hole, swings... and CRACK!! A perfect drive. The ball soars straight down the fairway, bounces once on the green and plops into the hole. A hole in one on a par 5! The angel turns to God and says, "I thought you were going to punish him." God says, "Think about it.... who can he tell?"
Several friars at a monastery decided to start a business so they could make donations to a local charity which they deemed a worthy cause. After much deliberation, the friars decided that, due to their gardening expertise, they should start a flower business. After a couple months, the friars` flower business was doing extremely well - so well, in fact, that the local florist was beginning to suffer. The florist, realizing that his livelihood might be in jeopardy, approached the friars and asked them to find another business so that he might continue operating profitably. The friars politely said, "No."
After a couple more months, the florist`s business was very bad and things looked bleak. Realizing that her son`s business was failing, the florist`s mother approached the friars and asked them to cease the floral business so that her son could continue. The friars were polite but once again said, "No." A couple months more passed and the local florist had lost most of his customers to the friars. His family was suffering badly since the florist had practically no income.
In desperation, the florist hired Hugh McNally, a local strongman to "convince" the friars to stop. Hugh went to the monastery and asked the friars to please discontinue selling flowers because they had taken most of the business of the village florist. Once again, the friars politely said, "No." Hugh, a man of great actions but few words and less temper, beat up a half dozen of the friars. He destroyed their flowers and trampled their gardens. Immediately, the friars had a meeting and decided that it was in everyone`s best interests to terminate the business.
The moral to this story is very simple: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars. - Victor Zalakos
Four people are riding in a small passenger car compartment on a long train ride across the country. On one seat, a young, beautiful lady sits next to her grandmother. Across from them, an Army general sits next to his young lieutenant. The train enters a long, dark tunnel. Suddenly, in the darkness, there is the sound of a kiss followed by a slap! The train exits the tunnel and the four people in the passenger compartment look at each other. Without saying a word, each of them thinks they know what has just happened. The young lady is surprised, but very happy that the young lieutenant waited for an appropriate moment to kiss her, but she can`t understand why her grandmother slapped him. The grandmother is shocked that the young lieutenant would try to kiss her granddaughter, but she is happy that her granddaughter slapped him. The General was pleased that his young lieutenant had waited for an appropriate moment to kiss the young lady because he could see they liked each other. However, he couldn`t understand why the grandmother had slapped him ( slapped the general) . Meanwhile, the young lieutenant sat in his seat, feeling very good about himself. Not only had he found a way to kiss the pretty young lady sitting across from him, but he had also managed to slap his general at the same time! Choong Kean Mun. Buckaroo Cmdr Glad Tidings A/G Klang, Selangor, Malaysia
What do you call a judge with no thumbs - Justice Fingers. A man with a car on his head - Jack. A man who has been buried for 3 years - Pete. A man with a seagullon his head - Cliff. A woman who throws her bills in the fire - Burnadette. What nationality is Santa - North Polish. Submitted by Brian T Wood Lt. Cdr (Buckaroos) England 10 via RangerNet
Determined to `take it with him` when he died, a very rich man prayed until finally the Lord gave in. There was one condition: He could bring only one suitcase of his wealth. The rich man decided to fill the case with gold bullion. The day came when God called him home, St. Peter greeted him, but told him he couldn`t bring his suitcase. "Oh, but I have an agreement with God," the man explained. "That`s unusual," said St. Peter. "Mind if I take a look?" The man opened the suitcase to reveal the shining gold bullion. St. Peter was amazed. "Why in the world would you bring street pavement?" - Rev. Warren Keating
Two fellows came upon a mine shaft out in the hills. "How deep do you think it is?" asked one. "Gosh, I don`t know," answered his pal. "Lets drop a stone in and listen for it to hit bottom." They did so and waited, but there was no sound. They found a larger rock and threw it in. Still nothing. A short distance way they spotted an old railroad tie. Each lifted an end, and with great difficulty they dropped it in. Still no sound! As they watched, a goat ran right between them and jumped into the hole. They were standing there scratching their heads when a third fellow came along and asked, "Have you seen a goat?" "Well, yes, as a matter of fact," replied the first guy. "We just had a goat run past us and jump into that hole!" "Oh, it couldn`t have been my goat," said the third fellow. "Mine was tied to a railroad tie." - Mary Howell.
A woman was waiting at an airport one night, with several long hours before her flight. She hunted for a book in the airport shop,bought a bag of cookies and found a place to drop. She was engrossed in her book, but happened to see that the man beside her, as bold as could be, grabbed a cookie or two from the bag between, which she tried to ignore, to avoid a scene. She read, munched cookies and watched the clock, as the gutsy "cookie thief " diminished her stock. She was getting more irritated as the minutes ticked by, thinking " If I wasn` t so nice, I`d blacken his eye!" With each cookie she took, he took one, too. When only one was left, she wondered what he`d do. With a smile on his face and a nervous laugh, He took the last cookie and broke it in half. He offered her half, as he ate the other. She snatched it from him and thought, " Oh brother, this guy has some nerve, and he` s also rude. Why, he didn` t even show any gratitude!" She had never known when she had been so galled, and sighed with relief when her flight was called. She gathered her belongings and headed for the gate, refusing to look back at the "thieving ingrate." She boarded the plane and sank in her seat, then sought her book, which was almost complete. As she reached in her baggage, she gasped with surprise. There was her bag of cookies in front of her eyes!... "If mine are here," she moaned with despair, "Then the others were his and he tried to share!" Too late to apologize, she realized with grief, that she was the rude one, the ingrate, the thief!
Do unto others as you would have them do unto
Moses, Jesus, and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball into the green. Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green. The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. The ball goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. But just before it falls into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth. As the fish is falling down into the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies off over the green, where a lightening bolt shoots from the sky barely missing it. Startled, the eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth and rolls into the cup for a hole-in-one! Jesus then turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don`t stop fooling around, we won`t bring you next time."
There`s a guy with a Doberman pincher and a
guy with a chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman pincher says to
the guy with a
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company`s fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn`t you say, at the scene of the accident, `I`m fine,"` asked the lawyer. Farmer Joe responded, "Well. I`ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the... "I didn`t ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, `I`m fine!`". Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe`s answer and said to the lawyer, "I`d like to hear what he has to say." Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn`t want to move. However, I could hear ol` Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, " Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"